The ongoing war between the regular airlines and the new super cheap bargain airlines has caused both parties to search for new ways to cut costs.
To help you, the confused consumer, get a better deal, a new consumer friendly airline –UUAAW, promises special perks and price reductions.
The Up, Up and a Weight airline rates take into account the weight and general appearance of its passengers and charges accordingly.
To understand how this works here is an example. The UUAAW pricing for flights between Great Britain and Central Germany start at 100 Euro.
If the passenger weighs in at over 75 kilo or 125 lbs he is charged an extra 10 Euro. (For those who are fast with arithmetic – yes 75 kilo is actually 154 lbs but if you insist on not using the metric system you must be prepared to pay the price.
If two passengers weigh in together and their combined weight is more than 150 kilo or 200 lbs (please learn the metric system already!) the couple is charged an extra 25 euro or $50 (who said life is fair?)
Not everything is negative in this system.
If reach your seat and next to you is seated a woman who makes Oprah look like Gisele, you are automatically entitled to a rebate of 5 Euros (If you ask for dollars you will be quietly escorted off the plane and taken into custody. Enough is enough!).
If the woman hasn’t heard of deodorant - 10 Euros.
If the woman hasn’t heard of deodorant and is clutching a screaming new born babe - 20 Euros.
If you are a man and the woman without the deodorant clutching the baby commences to breast feed – 50 Euros and a free Guinness on the house.
If the overweight woman without the deodorant, breastfeeding the newborn, screaming baby, happens to be a man in drag and has a curly brown moustache to prove it – you win the jackpot and are entitled to a full refund, a six pack and a free visit to the toilet in the rear which has been locked throughout the whole journey.