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Missing Secretaries

May 21, 2017

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Missing Secretaries

May 21, 2017


Secretaries: Where have they disappeared to?


My morning started with a pneumatic drill working on the left side of my forehead.

No it had nothing to do with the party I had attended the night before, or the two, alright three beers I had consumed. I had been trying to get Marge on the phone for twenty minutes to inform her that I was sick and wouldn't be coming in to work. Eventually I got an answer.


“Larry Pitar here, how can I help you?”


“Hey Larry, it’s Steve. I was trying to get to Marge and inform her that I am sick and won't be in today.”


“Marge isn't working today.”


“Oh is she sick?”


“No she's in Zanzibar.”


“She's where?” I inquired, forgetting for a minute to use my I’m on my deathbed voice.


“Zanzibar. Don't ask me where that is, I'm not a f*%$ atlas.”


“But didn't she just return from Miami?”


“Yes, she was resting there after her flight back from Zimbabwe.


“What was she doing in Zimbabwe?”


“She was on a safari.”


“So when is she coming back to work?


“Next Thursday, but she'll be away the following week because of the wedding.”


“She's getting married?”


“No stupid, her ex-husband George is getting married.”


“You don't mean George the Terrible, the guy who beat her up with the waffle maker, kept two mistresses on the side and an ex-porno star as a secretary at his fake vodka company?”


“The same. He sent her a ticket. He's getting hitched to some blond starlet in London. I hear the weddings at the Tower of London”


“So I suppose you're stuck with Janet as a replacement." I said trying to get the conversation back on track. "Could you just tell her to write me off as sick for today and tomorrow? I should be in by Wednesday.”


“Can't do pal”




“Janet's on sick leave till the 31st. She's having her boobs done again.”


“Since when does that qualify for sick leave?”


“Steve, Steve, Steve, you obviously didn't read the health plan documents I sent you last month. It's all there – section 63Q."


"Right, section 63Q. I know I'm going to regret this, but remind me what it says in 63Q."


"Well there was a slight typo. The clause was originally supposed to read Best Enhancement Program. Of course we had to let the intern who typed it out go. " 


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