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Mornings

April 21, 2017

 

 

 

Mornings were invented by the infamous Stew Peed de Sade in the 12th century as a form of revenge. De Sade was working on his first book entitled The Middlesex Tales about a group of clergymen who set out on a pilgrimage to the seaside town of Blackpool in search of a bath. To his great astonishment, a fellow author named Chaucer published a book with a similar theme and he was forced to abandon his work and turn to the invention of an eternal curse which we now refer to as mornings.

 

Because of de Sade's curse on modern civilization, generation after generation have had to suffer the consequences. If until then men and women alike would drink themselves unconscious with ale and wake up the next afternoon, now they were faced with a new reality. Suddenly there was morning sickness, hangovers and what was even more frightening, the nine hour work day.

 

 One of the most misquoted phrases in the English language has to be “Good Morning”. Every morning, trillions of people greet their spouses, children, bus drivers and bosses in this way without ever realizing that they have got it wrong. The correct phrase is based on the Anglican “Gawd, Morning!” considered to have first been used in the Elizabethan period by one of William Shakespeare's leading man who awoke suddenly in the gutter after a rather adventurous night and realized that he was late for a rehearsal of “the Taming of the Shrew”. Gawd, or God, as we now call him, became good over the years, leaving the world with an immense amount of unintentional good will.

 

Just in case you have the urge to get up tomorrow morning here are ten excellent reasons to stay in bed.

 

1. It’s snowing out

2. Your boss is off on a business trip to Hawaii and he's taken your wife with him.

3. You don't have a dog.

4. Your dog died so you don't have to get up to walk him.

5. Your dog barked all night and you accidentally shot him.

6. You’re participating in national stay in bed day in order to support a needy cause (even if you can't remember the cause – it will come to you eventually)

7. You have no clean underwear

8. You don't wear underwear, you are sleeping on the couch because your in-laws made a surprise visit and the dog has disappeared with your pajama pants.

 9. You are a conscientious objector to all words that begin with an M.

10. You are 100 percent positive that it is St. Patrick's Day again and believe it too dangerous to leave your apartment.

 

 

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