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50 Things NOT to Say on a First Date

February 15, 2017

1. I'd take you back to my place but they don't allow women on C-block.

2. McDonald's is usually a splurge for me but I guess it's important to impress on the first date.

3. Excuse me being a little bitchy but it's that time of the month.

4. I don't really go much for alcohol; I'm more of a blood guy.

5. I don't want to hurry you, or anything, but I left the kids with the sitter and she charges by the hour.

6. I am really supportive of the women's rights movement and religiously believe that the girl should pick up the tab for the first date.

7. I have to make it back by 10:30 so as to make the curfew at the rehab.

8. I don't believe in foreplay but I do believe in four play.

9. What beautiful lips you have, they remind me of my mothers.

10. Before we get acquainted my lawyer has given me some papers that I would like you to sign.

11. Oh my, Mike warned me that you were a little plump but I didn't expect Mama Cass. 12. Before we go back to my apartment I think I should tell you I collect snakes.

13. I am experimenting at home with cockroaches.

14. I really like your dress, I have one at home just like it.

15. Sure we can go back to my place but we have to keep quiet so as not to wake mum.

16. Sure we can go back to my place, you're not afraid of Rottweilers right?

17. Sure we can go back to my place, I've got the address here somewhere.

18. No I think you misheard me I'm not a to let attendant I'm a ...

19. Don't you just love first dates, I must have been on hundreds of them.

20. No, the picture on Dating.com isn't really of me, I found it on greathunks.org.

21. You'll have to speak up, I can hardly hear you with these earphones on.

22. I hope you don't mind me bringing my mother along.

23. Yes I'm an astronaut. Actually I'm heading out to Pluto on Saturday but we can meet up again when I get back.

24. I've got an idea, why don't I take you to see the atomic shelter I'm building in my garden.

25. Do I like kids? Well I'm really into small boys.

26. WOW I'm on a real date with a real girl who doesn't need to be blown up. Hold on a sec while I tell the guys.

27. You sure you don't have a twin sister, I thought I made it plain that I wanted to date twins.

28. Oh boy Peter your breasts are bigger than mine.  

29. No of course I don't think size matters. How small did you say it was?

30. You do speak Yiddish right, only my mother's English isn't very good.

31. Are those real?

32. .and the stories that I murdered my last two girlfriends are really over-exaggerated.

33. Hi I'm candy with a T.

34. You don't mind if my dad watches do you?

35. (on the phone) Don't worry I'll be home in an hour, give it a wash

36. I used to come here with my wife before I did the sex change surgery.

37. You know the guy on the bike who delivers your mail every morning - I'm his assistant. 38. Oh you’re a vet. I love animals too, I have three stuffed skunks and a beautiful antique gerbil I call Manny.

39. So do you want to see my Star trek action figure collection.

40. So would you like to see my superman costume?

41. So would you like to see my wonder Woman costume (unless you are a girl in which case it's a great opening line and should be first on my list of 99 opening lines on a first date that is coming to a Taite Gallery near you real soon if I can think of 98 other lines).

42. Would you like to see my cave? (This line doesn't even work even if your name really is Fred Flintstone).

43. I heard you’re a big eater so I reserved a table at the Eat Till Your Beat all in diner.

44. From the way that you dress I can see you’re a Lady Gaga fan.

45. To a guy: you look just like Keith Richards

46: You look just like Elton John

47. I hope you brought your own toothpick, I hate sharing.

48. Enough about you, let’s talk about me.

49. My therapist said I should stop dating models and try someone whose looks aren't their major asset.

50. Wow you don't look at all like your picture, can I get a double Scotch please?

 

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