The Vital Guide to Kids

Children generally come in three sizes – small, medium and downright fat. In contrast to popular believe you do not need a doctor's prescription to buy one and for the bargain price of $1 million they can easily be obtained at your local supermarket and participating branches of seven eleven. If you find it difficult to agree on a color scheme that will fit your home you can purchase a compatibility chart from Toys R Us or your local vet.

Once you have purchased your child and taken it home you will find it necessary to get all sorts of accessories. For best bargains check the specials at your local Ikea. Raising a child is not Childs play. There is a lot to learn. To help you get started here is my starters list of 12 common misconceptions regarding children.

1) They are not returnable and you are unlikely to get a refund no matter who you turn to.

2) There is no such thing as a single child, they multiple. The day will come when you will wake up at 3:32 A.M. and hear them screaming in three part harmony.

3) They don't automatically come with a babysitter who has recently appeared on the cover of Sports Illustrated - T.V. Sitcoms lie about that too.

4) A cute birthday party that includes a clown a donkey and thirty seven screaming five year olds with runny noses is not a good idea.

5) The poo of new babes does not smell of pink lavender. (Trust me on that one!)

6)The fact that they can beat the s—t out of you on Candy Crash Professional does not make them great students and guarantee a place at Harvard (Better try for Google University).

7) There is not a chance in a million that their cute rendition of the Elephant Song will get them a place on America's Got Talent, American Idol, Broadway, Juliard, Glee or Tots on Ice. Deal with the fact that your kid is tone deaf and we'll all sleep better.

8) Never, ever, ever approach the vicinity of Space Mountain or Universal's Jurassic Park Adventure when accompanied by one of your offspring. The results are guaranteed to be fatal.

9) There is no possible way you can drive your family home in your brown new shiny mauve convertible without one of them throwing up on the back seat.

10) The expression: “If at first you don't succeed...” does not apply to children of any age group.

11) Kids will never tidy up their rooms. They are programmed not to. You are wasting your time.

12) There are ways to detach kids from their mobile phones. At least five successful attempts have been documented in North Korea!


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