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The Mall to End all Malls Mall

March 6, 2017

Dear shoppers,

Welcome to The Mall that is Bigger and Better than all the Other Malls ® Mall. Because we are  The Mall that is Bigger and Better than all the Other Malls Mall, we are happy to provide you with a complimentary mall survival kit (deposit necessary of course,  and no, we don't accept small kids under the age of five as deposits even if they are named Dennis). The survival kit includes a special GPS to help you get around the mall. At any time code in the first three letters of the store or restaurant you want to visit and we will guide you there via the best available route (that means passing every sale on the way). If you press the button marked W.C. five times in a row, the GPS will get the hint, stop looking for more  items on special sale and take you to spend a penny (actually we charge $1, but that's the price of inflation).  Every fifth entry made on the GPS will automatically take you to the nearest coffee shop where you can buy gourmet Brazilian coffee and a minute slice of cheese cake for less than $20. No, the GPS will not take you past the food court unless you make a purchase there. Coffee breaks are important to your health and we are very health conscience at The Mall that is Bigger and Better than all the Other Malls Mall.

 

You will be pleased to know that last July we changed our family policy and no longer limit the number of small kids you bring with you to two monsters. Children are now welcome daily in the Mall between the hours of 16:30 and 16:40, provided you park them next to the ice-cream fountain, and for a whole hour on Sundays.

 

The Mall that is Bigger and Better than all the Other Malls Mall is currently closed on Sundays.

 

Ladies, if you must bring your poor, helpless husbands with you, and lose them in H&Ms, please note that for a small fee we will provide you with a replacement hubbie who will take you home after you have finished shopping. Replacement hubbies come in several shapes and sizes so please provide yourselves with the catalog available at the entrance. Once at home you are on your own.

 

If your feet are killing you, take advantage of our preferred shopper service. We will provide you with your own, personal shopper who will purchase for you, every item; designer jeans, blouse, suite, fluffy jacket and matching shoes, available in your size and currently being sold at a discount of more than 25%. Then our chauffeured limousine will take all the garments home for you to hide from your husband.

 

Remember we are The Mall that is Bigger and Better than all the Other Malls Mall. Try our Mall vacation package weekend special that includes overnight accommodation in a Sheraton Shopper's Suite, extra exclusive shopping hours from 9P.M. to midnight and our unique green line fast pass that gives you express access to all our changing rooms.

 

Give us your credit card and we'll give you the world.

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