Dear passenger, it has come to our attention that you intend on flying with our excellent airline in the near future. So as to make your trip as comfortable as possible, we request that you acquaint yourself with the newly enforced international security flight regulations.
1. Upon entering the airport you will be obliged to undergo a full body search. We assure you that this procedure is entirely necessary. In order to make the search less of an ordeal, we are happy to offer you our special upgrade program.
a) Regular passengers will generally be frisked by ex-convicts on probation.
b) Passengers flying business class will have their bodies searched by civil servants and retired politicians whom we owe favors to. If you add a surcharge in cash to the attendant (when nobody is looking), he can assure that you are attended by someone of the sex of your choice.
c) First class passengers, V.I.P's and rock stars with the mandatory tattoos to prove it, will be able to choose between Chippendale dancers, Playboy Bunnies and aging members of pop groups from the sixties still looking for some action. For an addition fee (to be negotiated in advance) such passengers can make use of the adjacent Jacuzzi while waiting for passport control.
2. No hand luggage of any shape or size will be allowed on board the plane. As it has become common for would be terrorists to hide explosive elements in their clothing, passengers will be asked to remove all their garments, before being seated, and to remain in their underwear for the entire flight. For obvious reasons, male members of African or African American descent will also be requested to remove their underpants.( Yes disposable cameras will be available for sale from the flight stewardess). Because of the new apparel regulation, citizens who weigh in at more than 220lb, and we don't mean luggage, will not be allowed to fly under any circumstances (unless they are members of a top ten rap band who are over eager to dispense of their cash flow).
3. Special reduced ticket rates can be obtained for the now popular fly in the buff special. Passengers on these flights should be aware, however, that in flight flash photography is not permitted in the toilet area and that videos filmed by the flight captain may be edited for future commercial use or presentation on suitable web sites of his choice.
We hope you have a safe journey.