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The Invention of Football

February 1, 2017

Many myths exist regarding the roots of the world's most popular game. They are all lies. It is time for the truth. When we say football, for all you Americans, we are not, I repeat not, talking about the Yankee version of rugby invented by Miller Lite that involves ridiculously dressed college students and flaky girl cheerleaders with pompoms). Football, or soccer, is a serious game in which fans dress up and paint their faces according to the colors of their favorite team, fill their nervous systems with medicinal bitter and lager and destroy the stadium where the game took place after their team loses 4:0. Yes football is a game of the nobility and often even considered a game of kings.

 

Football's origins date back to the middle-ages, that fun loving era famous for the crusades wherein upper class English mounted their steeds, packed up their servants, and went off to unexplored lands in an attempt to educate the heathens in the ways of the Lord, slaughter as many as was necessary on the way, and transfer their sperm to underprivileged wenches free of charge. It was on one these splendid hikes that the famous knight Sir Eric the Endowed, and his butler Fred, happened to come on a village in darkest Africa where a holy ceremony involving two huge pots, boiling water and several dislocated limbs was in process. Eric, noble knight that he was, immediately dismounted his steed and instructed his men to proceed in slaughtering all the men, prepare all the wenches for a good tittle tattle and make sure his horse was properly fed. For some unknown reason this plan faced heavy opposition on the part of the ignorant inhabitants and they immediately added Sir Eric, his endowment and most of his men's ligaments to the soup. The natives, however, encountered a major problem when it came to Sir Eric's infamous over-sized head and massive thingy. No matter how they tried they couldn't fit them into the pot. The frustrated village doctor - no he wasn't named Dr.  Witch (or Dr. Who for that matter) - picked up Sir Eric's dislocated head and kicked it into the crowd. Other members of the crowd, wanting nothing to do with an uncooked head of such size, kicked it back and soon all men in the village were in on the game. Thus was invented the game of football - a real men’s game. It should be noted that the women of the village mysteriously disappeared during the game along with sir Eric's other endowment.

 

 History books have also noted that two weeks later a German explorer by the name of Frank Footer visited this area and returned home with a huge shrongoll. Two months later the sausage was invented, but that's a different story all together.

 

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